Post 71 ~ 真正的心痛

我明白 “人死不能复生”， 我真的明白这个道理，可是我还是很想你，你过得好吗？

因为我的搬迁，我不能如常的去探望你，不能如常的找你聊天；可是这次的搬迁，除了你的生日之外，我们再也没机会再见面了，也没机会再听见你对我唠叨了！

“林猫咪” 这个名字，再也没有人这样称呼我了…… 就这样随你而去了。

我很没用，你生病时，我没陪伴你，你去时，我也不能即刻见你最后一面。Ong Lee Peng, 你可以原谅我吗？

这段日子，你的离去，让我真正的看清一个人的真面目。我被遗弃一旁，我被排斥在外，为什么？因为我始终还是外人，我没办法融入他们，我没办法忘记她所带给我，甚至我家人的伤害，尤其是我妈咪。

你说我自私！对！我是自私，我就是要去我亲人好友的葬礼。你认为你的家人在，我应该陪他们。失去了亲人好友，比倍你家人吃喝玩乐还要重要。

对不起，你是应该知道，我不只一次被她伤害，这些伤害已经不能被删掉，它们已经牢牢地在我心里扎根了！她为我带来无数的噩梦，数之不尽的恐惧，让我一次又一次的精神崩溃！

见到她，你永远不会理解我的感受，有些事情，不是说过了就可以忘记；什么叫做 “不用理会以前的她，现在她已经好了……”

这次也是因为你的家人，你再次与我冷战。请原谅我的自私，我已经读完你与 Eric 聊天记录，我真的很心痛！你说我的不是之外，还说你后悔结婚，后悔娶我，你很生气我老是找理由逃避见你父母。

原来我祖母去世是一个借口，好友去世也是一个借口…… 你还说，从此以后，你不会再理我，也不会再理我家人；好！我会成全你！

可是，当我知道你说你后悔结婚，这一句话就如一把刀狠狠地插在我心上！真的很痛很痛！原来心痛是这样的；我胸口疼，呼吸困难，甚至全身麻痹，双手抽筋，还有一直冒汗！

我心真的很痛，你真的可以为了你家人而不要我！

我哭了！不停地哭！哭到全身僵硬！我也不知道，为什么我这样失败，又再一次让婚姻伤害我了！

Post 70 ~ Housekey

Yesterday was my second day MC. Supposed to have dinne date with hubby when he is back. I thought I am improving with the rest whole day. Evening I brush up myself and getting ready to go out and the hiccup starts. 

I can't find my house keys. I searching all over the room and looking up and down the house, even the dustbin. I can't locate my house keys. I starts panic. I called hubby, told him that I lost my keys, and I can't come out from the house. I'm so panic and scared. I was so lost. My mind just blank and can't recall anything. 

I feel breathless and palpitation again. Condition getting worst! OMG, what is happening to me? Hubby got packed some food for dinner and ran back home to "rescue" me. I cried so badly when I see him! 

Keys found and time to calm me down by swallowing another pill of Lorazepam. It is really a horrible feeling. How long more for me to sustain this kind of horrible feeling. I think I might get mad one day in future! No joke!

Post 69 ~ Panic Disorder? Me?

It was happened three days ago. As usual, I off from work. Walking off from office and heading to MRT station. It was a peak hour, train always congested with people. I got myself a tiny space and squeezed myself into it. Feeling always not present. I can't recall what was in my mind that moment, I suddenly feel of breathlessness and followed with palpitation. I felt so distressed. I started to see things floating and twisting, I felt like I almost wanna faint. Without any delay, I ran out from the train, got myself a spa our corner and sat down there while waiting for my hubby.

My chest so tight. I remain palpitation but less breathlessness. Tachypneoic seems to be better. I was so scared deep inside me. I wished my hubby can find me as soon as possible. The second hubby found me, I felt so relieved. After settled our stomach, we slowly got back home. 

At night, I wasn't sleep well. Occasionally was awakening by sudden attack of breathlessness. I was trying not to bother my hubby. I knew it, he wasn't at deep sleep through. I kept as silent as I can. I prayed. I calmed and fall asleep till the alarm rang. Again, my breathless and palpitation starts!! 

We decided to seek medical treatment. I remembered I had one episode years back after my first accident in KL. Doctor also saying that I was at stressed only. Nothing was serious. Given me one day MC and sent me off. 

This round I assumed it is the same scenario again. But the underlying cause likely is wedding related. Wedding is getting nearer and nearer. Throughout the preparation, I never have any satisfaction for the wedding arrangements made by in-laws. Making me feel like I'm been tortured and bullied. Making me feel like it is just a monkey show by them. I don't feel much respectation towards me and my family either. 

Since ROM till now, Yuan Yuan birthday party and lately wedding photo shooting trip. All these unpleasant feeling and bad emotion, I have to keep it deep inside myself. Seeing my mum cried, and I can't protect her. I feel so useless. My own wedding, but people been setting thousand of rules to be obeyed and followed. Nothing much I can say, but I feel like I'm a poor little monkey in stead of happy bride.

Things I can not say NO. Rules can not be disobeyed. Morning ceremony, everyone must complete the gate crash, tea ceremony, photo session and back to groom house by 8.00 am. Will anyone consider the makeup and hairdo time? Will anyone consider the enough sleeping time for the bride? Must change gown before tea serving ceremony. Must change another gown when buffet starts at home..... 

Comes to dinner.... How many seats allowed at VIP table? Family not allowed appeared around the reception. All men must wear coat for the dinner. Bride must stand at the main entrance of the restaurant at 6pm before the guests arrived. Don't you consider that the bride is tired? It makes me feel like I am the monkey standing outside to let the stranger see me from head to toes. 

Why must all these being controlled? Why can't just having own ways of us which I think it is comfortable for me and hubby. I really don't like at this! I believed none of my family member will agree too. Things not solved. Both sides are tough with their own. 

Hubby always says, "don't think of it....." But problem still existing. 

Do you think that it is good if my family not attending the dinner?

And what about me? Anyone does consider my feeling?

I am feeling very "tight" these few months after I came back from April trip. I know myself. The moment I think of wedding, I feel so tensioned and lost. But I didn't share with hubby, as I know, hubby won't do anything much further from here. Besides always staying be with me.

Sorry dear, it's really tortured me and stressed me a lot. I don't like but I forced to face it. I can't concentrate at anything. And hubby used to blamed my forgetfulness. This is, hubby saw me with the Panic Attack. He was so worried. Brought me to the hospital in SG. 

Doctor suspected stress is the main culprit. I denied. He ordered tons of blood tests, chest X-Ray, and ECG for me. All investigation results are normal. So.... Concluded that it is a Panic Attack. Which I might suffer with Anxious-panic Disorder. Given me Lorazepam 0.5mg x2 to calm my emotion while I was in the hospital. 

Doctor prescribed me Lorazepam 0.5mg BD and gave me 3 days MC. He wants me to take the medicines and rest at home. Something sound scary, Doctor was referring me to see a psychiatrist. Do you think I'm that serious? And how about the medical bills? I have to bear it myself. For new employee who just earned my first month salary to have bear the medical expenses, it is quite burdening me. 

What shall I do next? God, please guide me! Anyhow, I know I am not alone, hubby trying his very hard to spend time with after work. Every night sleep next to me, making me feel more secured. 

Post 68 ~ First week in Singapore

This is my very first symbols of living in Singapore. My house keys in Singapore. The security device for POSB. Thanks buddy Jacqueline for the HK keychain, and yes, I will be carrying it everyday with me. 

I do believed that I'm still having very poor sense of direction especially when I come to a new place. I have to put in more effort to memorise the road, direction, MRT station names, correct exit to the office, correct ways for lunch, and finally correct direction to walk back home. 

My iPhone, always my rescuer when I am lost. Just to ensure my phone is always full of battery. Power bank always standby inside my bag. Or at least I am contactable for my hubby. He can always comes elsewhere to locate me. I know I am not dependent and tough enough. I know I am weak and useless. Please give me some time, I know I can overcome it. 

For first two weeks, appetite doesn't seem to be alright. Not as strong eating as those days. No doubt I miss home cook food by mama. But I just can't eat much. Porridge, soup noodles or sandwiches always my choice during lunch hour. And worst condition is constipation. Taking laxative also can help much. I think it is again my psycho issue.

But sometimes, my shoes also giving my problem, thought of getting a pair comfortable leather flats for walking, but it is always pull me down.  

My sole always pain, my foot always hurts with blisters and skin pealing. I am still have to drag my aching foot back home. Step by step slowly, and keep walking, I will still able to reach my destination. 

Post 67 ~ I am No Longer Driving to Work

Living in KL for more almost 5 years with own transport to every place I wanted to. Either to office on regular basis, shopping malls, restaurants, or going back Ipoh, I used to drive myself, from point A to point B, door to door traveling on my own sweet time. 

Besides the terrible traffic in town, I'm still prefer to drive in KL due to the incomplete public transportation system in Malaysia. But SG is different, it is not easy to own a personal vehicle here. As I always believe, when God closes one door in front of you, For sure He will open a window for you.

I'm feeling so satisfied and amazed with the public transportation system in SG. MRT service covering most of the areas not only meant for town. From Woodlands to office, I know it's a bit far, but it is considered very good to me dy.

I starts to walk from HDB to the nearest MRT station, it cost me 10-15 min duration. You may take public buses to the station, but for the sake of money and time, I decided to walk. Walking through the staircase, pedestrian walkway, escalators towards the station. That's lots of walking for me.

But everything still manageable. I walk, I ride, and I walk again. I wish this walking will bring me a healthier life style. 

Winnie Lam, gambateh!

Post 66 ~ I'm an Official Foreign Worker

My new life in Singapore is getting nearer and nearer. Company looking forward for my joining. Hubby feeling happy for my new career at big organisation. Of course I wish to grab this chance to rebuild my financial status. I know everything will not be as easy as I working in KL. But I will try my very best to go for it. Never try never know how far I can go.

Medical check up completed. MOM had approved my work permit application via AXA. Reporting day to AXA had been fixed. Room confirmed too. Everything just going very smooth. 

Not to conclude as very nice room, but it is more than enough to have a place to rest after work. Since I have no other better choice but to stay in SG on weekdays, mom had decided to move back to Ipoh. I felt so upset and hard for her leaving. But I know, I can't behave so selfish to keep mom in Kulai alone over the weekdays. It is not advisable to keep an old people alone at home for most of the time. I understand that. I have to let mom go. But I'm truly miss her so badly.

It was an unofficial celebration for my new job in SG, thanks Andy for the salmon treats. We liked it so much. For the first few nights, thanks for lending place to hubby for the night stay. 

Actually I was quite nervous about my new job. Everything will be very fresh to me. New company, new system, new practice as per country requirements, new colleagues.... Everything just very strange to me. I'm not sure if I can adapt and cope it well within a short duration. But I promised myself, I will try my very best to overcome every challenge.

And I do believe, God is always there with me. Hubby also staying in SG to standby for me too. I know hubby is very worried of me. I'm always a little girl to him. With my poor sense of direction and poor memories, I might face many difficulties throughout my daily routine. 

Dear, believe me, I will try my best for everything. Because I'm your super wife!

Post 65 ~ Unpleasant Wedding Preparation

I am not sure if this is call Pre-Marriage Syndrome.
To be frank, I am not afraid of marriage.
But I am more afraid of Wedding.

Bride-to-be always excited with her wedding.
She will be so excited and looking forward for her wedding.
She will fully involved throughout the preparation.
From fixing wedding dates, meeting both side parents, preparing guest lists, surveying bridal shops, shopping for necessary items, discussing the wedding flow with the helpers.....
I wish I can be as busy as I can.

Although this is not my first marriage,
but I do hope to have a memorable wedding for us.
Unfortunately, my mentality and emotion for wedding was spoilt since ROM in October 2014.
It was really a nightmare for me towards wedding for the past few months.
I don't know what am I supposed to do to continue my wedding.

I was so phobia to have my wedding organised.
I wish everything can be as simple as I can.
No tea serving ceremony, no wedding dinner.... nothing!
I just don't want anything.
I just want a wedding abroad, celebration just between me and hubby. 

This is April right now, and it is getting closer to my wedding.
I am not sure what had been done at this moment.
I wish to have support from my sisters and besties during the preparation.
Of course, I wish to have them with me for the bachelorette party.
But then.... I don't really have a very close network of women who support me throughout this important moment with me.

I feel so lonely. I feel so lost. 
I keep asking myself, why does worries and phobia keep surrounding me?  
I'm been having nightmare very frequent for few weeks.
I was having shivering, cold sweats and frightening which really disturbing my sleep at night.
I cry, cried, and keep crying again and again.
I dare not share with my mom.
I dare not share with my sister.
Keeping it deep inside me is terrible and suffering.

I don't think anyone will feel the same as me.
I know hubby loves me.
I know hubby is trying his best to help me.
I know hubby is trying his very best to give me a pleasant wedding. 

But dear, do you understand, once the mirror has broken, there is always crack on it.

I can't predict what will happen during our wedding.
I can't control what can happen during our wedding.
I can't even assure myself for everything is going to be fine.

I can't! I just can't!
God is the only one I can lean to.

Dear,
I am very exhausted.
I am very tired.
I hate all these feeling.
I need a rest to free my mind.
Can you please delete everything from my mind?

Post 64 ~ Sun Rising at Kampung Tanjung Langsat (Throwback)

It was such a wonderful sun seeking experience.

Waking up early in the morning at 5am just for the sun rising.

We were there too early which was out of our expectation.

No doubt, the shooting point was not that easy to be located,

but we made it!

We had our cameras and tripod setup,

getting things ready just for the little short moment.

We keep watching the sky, growing brighter through purplish pink to yellowish.

And here we are!!!! Such a beautiful golden egg yolk.

I can't take my eyes off of you when you are just right in front of me.

You will understand how's my feeling through the pictures I posted.

Maybe it was a long weekend, shooting was done without much disturbance.

We enjoyed the shooting outing so much.

Thanks hubby.

Post 63 ~ You all are upset, same as me

It was a shocked Tuesday, 31/03/2015.

Hubby received a bad news from his hometown, his cousin sister had a sudden death at home. She was having chest discomfort, facial and ankle oedematous. Had seen doctor yesterday, but she arrested at home with her hand holding on her chest. Her feet were oedema and cyanosed too. Very obvious typical signs of Heart Failure. But.... why..... why.... why.... There are too many question marks in my mine right now. I really can't digest. I understand hubby and his family feeling now. Hubby was having insomnia for the whole night. He needs cigarette to keep himself awake in the next morning. I wish it is only meant for one cigarette!! Smoking not the right path to ease his sadness.

 

 

 

But, topic again roll back to our wedding. Supposed to have wedding preparation discussion and meeting next month when we are back for photo shooting in April. But hubby told, everyone no mood right now, think our wedding gonna be as simple as we can. Those bride maid la, bride maid dress colour la..... All have to cancel.

 

Since last year October, because of my mother in law, she dislike me, dislike my mom, dislike my family and relatives, it made me so hurt and in fact, we had decided to make wedding very simple. I wish to have no wedding dinner as well too. But I know, wedding is not about two person, but involved the whole families of us. Wedding dinner have to be held in Kuching (at least).

 

To me, I really has lost all the excitement about our wedding. To me, it will be just a 'show' for the people. I am not expecting anything from my wedding. I have no idea on the wedding preparation. I have no request and expectation at all for the wedding pictures shooting too. I even told my buddies it is 'OK' for not attending my wedding dinner in Kuching.

 

But, during CNY, she changed. She 'suddenly' realised that she was wrong and will try to accept me. In fact, I really don't know how to face her? Same applied to my mom, we are trying to avoid her or 'act' like nothing in front of her, to prevent unnecessary conflicts, because I am trying not to put hubby and father in law in trouble.

 

Everything seems to be going smoothly. When we were happily discussing about our actual day with all the 'sisters' and 'brothers', it is giving me the excitement and happiness feel again. Remember..... sunset is beautiful but is always too short. I feel disappointed and down again when hubby said everyone is no mood now, just go simple for our wedding. I really have nothing to say, but telling angry words by saying cancel dinner as well. What happened to me? Why my wedding celebration can not as happy as other couples. I am trying to understand others' feeling, but what about me?

 

 

Again, I think I should stay back with my principle ~ no expectation, thus no disappointment.

 

I am not sure if I am tough enough to face more disappointment......

who knows.... One day I might fall and......  

 

 

Post 62 ~ Step by Step Towards New Life in Island

From interview, accepting offer, going through medical check-up, work pass application and room confirmation; every step seems to be going smoothly. It is getting nearer and nearer for me to become a foreign worker in island.

 

Today I am tendering my resignation. In fact, yesterday was the day whereby my resignation letter was sent via email to my boss, resignation shall takes effect since yesterday. And last servicing day will be on 30th April, 2015. (smiling cheekily inside my heart, manager also have to follow my plan as stated in the letter).

 

 

Sorry to say that, usually during my resignation, I won't tell my current boss where or which organization will I going. Not to worry about being tracked in the new place, but I want to avoid any unnecessary issue in the future.

 

Every resignation, I just wish to have a great farewell with the company and of course my lovely colleagues. Of course I have not much here, I am nobody here, just a small tiny nut, I guessed majority of them don't even know my name; but the one who I had here, they are my angels. Especially my partner, Constance.

 

 

Thank you so much for being so patient with me, teaching me, guiding me, advising me. Really appreciate of all the hard work from you. I am working very well with you for the past few months. I am glad to know you as a friend.  

 

 

Constance, trust me, you are a nice girl, a great friend, a great working partner as well. I am here to wish you all the best in future.