Post 65 ~ Unpleasant Wedding Preparation

I am not sure if this is call Pre-Marriage Syndrome.
To be frank, I am not afraid of marriage.
But I am more afraid of Wedding.

Bride-to-be always excited with her wedding.
She will be so excited and looking forward for her wedding.
She will fully involved throughout the preparation.
From fixing wedding dates, meeting both side parents, preparing guest lists, surveying bridal shops, shopping for necessary items, discussing the wedding flow with the helpers.....
I wish I can be as busy as I can.

Although this is not my first marriage,
but I do hope to have a memorable wedding for us.
Unfortunately, my mentality and emotion for wedding was spoilt since ROM in October 2014.
It was really a nightmare for me towards wedding for the past few months.
I don't know what am I supposed to do to continue my wedding.

I was so phobia to have my wedding organised.
I wish everything can be as simple as I can.
No tea serving ceremony, no wedding dinner.... nothing!
I just don't want anything.
I just want a wedding abroad, celebration just between me and hubby. 

This is April right now, and it is getting closer to my wedding.
I am not sure what had been done at this moment.
I wish to have support from my sisters and besties during the preparation.
Of course, I wish to have them with me for the bachelorette party.
But then.... I don't really have a very close network of women who support me throughout this important moment with me.

I feel so lonely. I feel so lost. 
I keep asking myself, why does worries and phobia keep surrounding me?  
I'm been having nightmare very frequent for few weeks.
I was having shivering, cold sweats and frightening which really disturbing my sleep at night.
I cry, cried, and keep crying again and again.
I dare not share with my mom.
I dare not share with my sister.
Keeping it deep inside me is terrible and suffering.

I don't think anyone will feel the same as me.
I know hubby loves me.
I know hubby is trying his best to help me.
I know hubby is trying his very best to give me a pleasant wedding. 

But dear, do you understand, once the mirror has broken, there is always crack on it.

I can't predict what will happen during our wedding.
I can't control what can happen during our wedding.
I can't even assure myself for everything is going to be fine.

I can't! I just can't!
God is the only one I can lean to.

Dear,
I am very exhausted.
I am very tired.
I hate all these feeling.
I need a rest to free my mind.
Can you please delete everything from my mind?