Post 69 ~ Panic Disorder? Me?

It was happened three days ago. As usual, I off from work. Walking off from office and heading to MRT station. It was a peak hour, train always congested with people. I got myself a tiny space and squeezed myself into it. Feeling always not present. I can't recall what was in my mind that moment, I suddenly feel of breathlessness and followed with palpitation. I felt so distressed. I started to see things floating and twisting, I felt like I almost wanna faint. Without any delay, I ran out from the train, got myself a spa our corner and sat down there while waiting for my hubby.

My chest so tight. I remain palpitation but less breathlessness. Tachypneoic seems to be better. I was so scared deep inside me. I wished my hubby can find me as soon as possible. The second hubby found me, I felt so relieved. After settled our stomach, we slowly got back home. 

At night, I wasn't sleep well. Occasionally was awakening by sudden attack of breathlessness. I was trying not to bother my hubby. I knew it, he wasn't at deep sleep through. I kept as silent as I can. I prayed. I calmed and fall asleep till the alarm rang. Again, my breathless and palpitation starts!! 

We decided to seek medical treatment. I remembered I had one episode years back after my first accident in KL. Doctor also saying that I was at stressed only. Nothing was serious. Given me one day MC and sent me off. 

This round I assumed it is the same scenario again. But the underlying cause likely is wedding related. Wedding is getting nearer and nearer. Throughout the preparation, I never have any satisfaction for the wedding arrangements made by in-laws. Making me feel like I'm been tortured and bullied. Making me feel like it is just a monkey show by them. I don't feel much respectation towards me and my family either. 

Since ROM till now, Yuan Yuan birthday party and lately wedding photo shooting trip. All these unpleasant feeling and bad emotion, I have to keep it deep inside myself. Seeing my mum cried, and I can't protect her. I feel so useless. My own wedding, but people been setting thousand of rules to be obeyed and followed. Nothing much I can say, but I feel like I'm a poor little monkey in stead of happy bride.

Things I can not say NO. Rules can not be disobeyed. Morning ceremony, everyone must complete the gate crash, tea ceremony, photo session and back to groom house by 8.00 am. Will anyone consider the makeup and hairdo time? Will anyone consider the enough sleeping time for the bride? Must change gown before tea serving ceremony. Must change another gown when buffet starts at home..... 

Comes to dinner.... How many seats allowed at VIP table? Family not allowed appeared around the reception. All men must wear coat for the dinner. Bride must stand at the main entrance of the restaurant at 6pm before the guests arrived. Don't you consider that the bride is tired? It makes me feel like I am the monkey standing outside to let the stranger see me from head to toes. 

Why must all these being controlled? Why can't just having own ways of us which I think it is comfortable for me and hubby. I really don't like at this! I believed none of my family member will agree too. Things not solved. Both sides are tough with their own. 

Hubby always says, "don't think of it....." But problem still existing. 

Do you think that it is good if my family not attending the dinner?

And what about me? Anyone does consider my feeling?

I am feeling very "tight" these few months after I came back from April trip. I know myself. The moment I think of wedding, I feel so tensioned and lost. But I didn't share with hubby, as I know, hubby won't do anything much further from here. Besides always staying be with me.

Sorry dear, it's really tortured me and stressed me a lot. I don't like but I forced to face it. I can't concentrate at anything. And hubby used to blamed my forgetfulness. This is, hubby saw me with the Panic Attack. He was so worried. Brought me to the hospital in SG. 

Doctor suspected stress is the main culprit. I denied. He ordered tons of blood tests, chest X-Ray, and ECG for me. All investigation results are normal. So.... Concluded that it is a Panic Attack. Which I might suffer with Anxious-panic Disorder. Given me Lorazepam 0.5mg x2 to calm my emotion while I was in the hospital. 

Doctor prescribed me Lorazepam 0.5mg BD and gave me 3 days MC. He wants me to take the medicines and rest at home. Something sound scary, Doctor was referring me to see a psychiatrist. Do you think I'm that serious? And how about the medical bills? I have to bear it myself. For new employee who just earned my first month salary to have bear the medical expenses, it is quite burdening me. 

What shall I do next? God, please guide me! Anyhow, I know I am not alone, hubby trying his very hard to spend time with after work. Every night sleep next to me, making me feel more secured.